greetings all, i am mostly new to soulcysters, but have skimmed through these forums once or twice over the last couple of years. like many of you, the frustrations weigh heavily on me, and get the best of me, draining the mental and emotional energy so much that i have a hard time even posting my story.

i may be new here, but not new to pcos. so here is my attempt to tell my story. my apologies in advance if i become long winded and depressing.

i am about to turn 32 years old. when i was about 16 years old, my periods became quite irregular. when i became sexually active around the same age, i told my mom that i was concerned about the irregular periods and getting pregnant. so she sent me to my first gyn. she did a bunch of blood tests, and all i got from the whole experience back then was that i had elevated testosterone, and was put on birth control pills to regulate the periods, etc. i took the birth control for about 2-3 years, and then started getting the birth control shots that lasted for 3 months at a time. i continued the injections for about 1 year, and obviously had no periods during this time.

i went off of all birth control for awhile, and my periods went back to being extremely irregular, but i had decided to just deal with it.

then when was about 20 years old, i met a man, moved in with him, and eventually became engaged to him. about a year, year and a half into our relationship, i began having some classic early pregnancy symptoms. i was thirsty all of the time, my boobs felt bigger, intercourse was a bit painful, and i felt full after eating small amounts of food, etc. i decided to find a gyn and get tested, and if i was not pregnant, i wanted to actually go back onto the birth control pills since my fiance and i were not wanting to become pregnant.

so i was referred to an older gyn, with about 35 years of experience, by my fiance’s mother. i told the doctor of my symptoms, and he did all the regular exams, (pelvic, pap, etc) and a urine pregnancy test at the time of the appointment. the doc told me i was not pregnant, as the test came back negative, and gave me a perscription for the birth control pills, and provera, as i had not had a period for a few months.

i took the provera as directed, got a light period, and then began the bc pills. literally the next day after i took the first birth control pill, i got ill, and threw up that morning in a sears parking lot. this began a 2 month long stretch of nothing but heart burn, nausia and vomiting in the morning. the heart burn was so bad, i began to think i was suffering from stomach ulcers.

one day, a friday, i was sitting on my couch and suddenly “peed” uncontrollably. i had no clue what to think, but i knew there was probably something wrong and as i had spent the last 2 months feeling sick, i figured it might be connected, and that i should really see a doctor. i called up my fiance’s mother, told her about the apparent bladder problem, and she agreed to take me to a walk-in clinic saturday, the next day, after she was finished working. saturday came and around 5pm we went to the walk-in clinic only to find that they had closed already. so we decided to come back again on sunday, again after work. my fiance’s mother owned a news paper “route”, delivering to stores and boxes in multiple cities, and on sundays, my fiance and i helped her deliver, because the papers were so big on sundays. so that night my fiance and i went to bed early, and got up early, around 3am, to go help his mom.

i woke up that morning with the painful feeling of having to go to the bathroom badly, like i was extremely constipated. i tried to go before we had to leave to do the paper route, but could not. this “constipated” feeling happened off and on regularily the entire evening. occasionally i would hit up a bathroom and “tried to go”, each time nothing would happen. so i worked the entire night, hauling around heavy sunday papers, and we finished up around noon. my fiance headed home to go to bed, and his mom took me to the walk-in clinic, which was open thankfully.

i told the doctor at the clinic of my symptoms over the past 2 months, and told him i was concerned that i may have stomach ulcers. he did a urine pregnancy test, and drew some blood for tests to see if it was indeed ulcers. the preg test was negative, and there was not much else to do but wait for the blood test results to come back, which of course would take up to a week. i did tell him about my “bladder control” issue a few days earlier, and that i was now having “constipation” issues now, but he seemed to not think anything of these symptoms.

the clinic was getting ready to close for the day, but on my way out, i decided i needed to try to go to the bathroom again. so i went into the clinic bathroom and tried to push, and after a few seconds or so of this, i did finally push something out, but it certainly was not from the place i was expecting…and it did not come “all the way” out. i had no idea what to think at the time, other than to look, so i stood up and saw something coming out of me that i could not understand.

i temporarily freaked out and decided to shuffle to the door, and call for my fiance’s mother to come, and that something happened, something was wrong. she came to the door and i lifted my shirt so she could see between my legs, and then she began to freak out. the doctor was already in the parking lot, getting into his car, but the nurses were still in there waiting for us to leave. one of the nurses came running to the bathroom, saw what was going on and then immediatly ran outside to call the doctor back in before he left. the other nurse and come into the bathroom to assist me, as i was now weak in the knees, but did not want to sit back down on the toilet, so she was holding a bowl under me, and helping me stay standing up.

a minute or so passes and the doctor comes rushing into the bathroom and looks at the scene between my legs, but he looked from the back side, which no one had really gotten a view of yet. he then told me some of, if not the most, shocking information i’ve ever heard. he said i was having a spontaneus abortion, and that the fetus looked to be about 19 weeks…..

by now one of the nurses had called the paramedics, and they arrived after about 10 minutes or a bit less. i managed to climb up onto the stretcher, and was soon on my way to arnold palmer hospital in orlando. the ride there in itself was a traumatic experience, as i still didnt really understand what was happening, and how, and the sensations “down there” didn’t make sense to me. i didn’t realize i was actually giving birth, when fluid drained out, i thought i was peeing, and i was still having contractions, etc.

so i get to the hospital, and was put in a shared room with curtains around me, and was seen by a couple of nurses. they kept me under a sheet, so i was unable to see anything going on “down there”. while one of the nurses examined me, i felt the need to push again and she told me to do so. this pushed out the baby completely, though i didn’t know it at the time. after this the nurses left, and i was now waiting for an actual doctor to come examine me. i gained curiosity and decided i wanted to see what was going on down there, so i lifted the sheet off of me, and as i did that, a nurse noticed and shouted “wait! no dont…!” but was too late.

that is when i saw the most traumatic thing i’ve ever seen, a perfectly formed baby, laying still between my legs. nothing could really have prepared me for that, although i did not panic or freak out at the sight. it was profound to me. and i immediatly began retracing the last few months and connecting the dots. the “bladder control” problem, was really my water breaking, and the “constipation” was labor, contractions!

the doctor eventually came in and examined the baby, i asked to watch, and he let me. he estimated that i was actually closer to 23 weaks pregnant, and i asked if he could tell the sex. he said the baby was a girl.

he then went on to ask me a bunch of questions, and i told him the story of how i went to a gyn 2 months earlier complaining of early pregnancy symptoms, and that doctor telling me i was not pregnant, and subsequently going onto bc pills, and getting sick, etc etc. i told him i just spent the last 5 months or so, acting as if i was not pregnant. i did not know i was pregnant. even with all the classic symptoms.

eventually i birthed the sac, etc, and the nurse came to take the baby and placenta away to pathology, in a bucket. i will never forget, asking to see the baby one last time, floating in a bucket of liquid.

i spent the night in a hospital room, and was discharged the next afternoon. all of the “sick” feelings were completely gone.

a few weeks later, i was able to get the results of the pathology done, and it seemed to indicate that the premature labor was caused by chorioamniotitis.

almost immediatly after the unexpected loss of the baby, it became my mission to become pregnant again and have a healthy baby, but knew i would have problems because of my irregular periods. i did some research online, and decided i had many symptoms of pcos. i found a new gyn, who also dealt with infertility, and told her i suspected pcos. she agreed right away, and officially diagnosed me with pcos. at the time, i was uninsured, and so the testing was slow, and i never actually got to the point were we began any treatment. about 2 or more years went by, my fiance and were unable to concieve naturally again, and could not afford treatment. i began seeing all of our friends become pregnant with unplanned/unwanted pregnancies, and began watching them all have healthy babies. eventually my fiance and i grew apart, because of other reasons than fertility, and the relationship ended.

so i go about my life, never forgetting the daughter i never knew, and never forgetting how badly i wanted to be a mother. i did give her a name, Destiny Sitara, and to me that meant “destined to be a star in the sky”, or of that nature, and i still think of her each time i look to the sky at night.

my periods, of course, remained irregular afterwards, but i never went back onto birth control. i spent many many hours researching pcos and infertility,also many hours reading stories told by women like all of you, and like myself.

fast forward to when i was about 25-26 years old, when i met my husband, mike. when we got married, my mother-in-law lectured me about how i need to be on birth control pills, etc, and i told her not to worry about it, as there is probably little to no chance of me getting pregnant without medical help. she went on to tell me how she was diagnosed with ovarian cysts, and was told she would never concieve, even had one ovary removed, so she knew exactly how i felt and what i was going through and my story was nothing special. i had to bite my tongue, and not ask her why then, if she went through something she thought was so similar, was she being so unsympathetic to my situation?

well, i never went on the pills as my mother in law “advised”, and my husband and i are about to have our 5th anniversary. we have obviously been unable to concieve naturally, and also, we have gone through 3 “cycles”, if you can call them that, of clomid, and have tried 1 month of me taking metformin, though none of this very recently.

the clomid had no results at 50mg, 100mg and 100mg per cycle dosages, one cycle was given to me the first gyn i saw when i moved to canada (my husband is from canada, i moved here after we were married), and the other 2 cycles were given to me by my current gyn. our family doctor ended up referring me to a fertility clinic, and hubby and i waited months for that appointment. when we finally got in to see them, we needed to get all of the blood work, etc, done. a week or so after my set of tests were done, the clinic called me and told me that my glucose tolerance test indicated that i am diabetic, and that i should contact my family doctor to get the diabetes under control before we continued with anything related to conception and pregnancy. so back to the family doctor i go. to my knowledge, the rest of the tests came back pretty normal, which they always generally seemed to do (i had had the same set of tests run on me many times throughout the years, other than the usual elevated testosterone, no doctors ever really said any other blood tests were abnormal in any ways) but now that i was diagnosed with diabetes, my doctor decided it would be as good a time as ever to give the metformin a try. however, when i took it, it gave me bad diarrhea, so i only took it for about one month.

around the same time, my husband lost his job, and consequently lost our benifits, and i was no longer able to monitor my blood sugar because we were unable to afford the strips/lances, and of course the idea of continuing any fertility treatment went out the window for the time being. this was also around the same time as i really began to give up on the idea of having a baby ever.

this is actually the boat i am currently in now. i kind of feel like the clock is starting to wind down.

interestingly, i decided to have my doctor do another glucose tolerance test. i had reason to suspect my original test done by the fertility clinic may have been tampered with, so to speak, but it was my doing. (this is a slightly embarassing side story involving me drinking a coffee between the time i drank the sugar drink at the clinic, and getting the second samples of blood taken for the test! i didnt know, at the time, that caffiene can spike blood sugar, but read it somewhere later on, and made me curious to find out if it may have affected my original test.) so after i told my doctor about my coffee incident, she agreed that i should probably have the test done again. and wouldn’t you guess it, it turns out i am actually not diabetic, (at least not yet, ive had a life time of “pre diabetic symptoms”, so it still may be in my future).

so now im not diabetic, and my husband now has a solid job, and nothing is really holding us back from picking back up on the infertility treatment. nothing other than that of which i mentioned hours ago up at the top.

i have hardly dipped my toes into the world of infertility treatment, and it already has me feeling like i’m tapped mentally and emotionally. some days i dont even feel as if its an option. most days i have myself convinced i will never be a mother, and i will never give a family to my husband, and that’s that. some days the motivation to try is so strong, it becomes overwhelming.. then depressing when i realize it isnt a reality for us. sometimes i feel without purpose. sometimes i feel as if i am a waste of life, if i cannot create life… and almost every day, i still see those around me… envy is the worst feeling to me, it feels the most desperate.

i am sure many of you can relate to much of this.

i’m going to be making an appointment with my doctor next week, to discuss reference to a different fertility clinic, something closer to where my husband and i now live. maybe we’ll actually be able to get our feet fully wet this time.

again, i apologize for having written such a long, long post, if you made it this far, thank you!

Want to connect with me? My name is NAME on the SoulCysters Message Board.