This journey has been so intense, I go from feeling the lowest of the low, to feeling like I’m standing on top of the world. PCOS has thrown me into a world uncertainty, testing, and obsessing over BFPs and BFNs. To know that I’m living my life literally by the line, is quite scary.
I have known my whole life that something was off. I wasn’t sure what it was, but I’d look at other girls. Their skin looked so soft and clear, where as I always had craters exploding along my jawline. I also began growing a snail trail in high school, it was something the boys would happily chat about, and show off. But I felt myself making sure I had tucked my top in extra tight, so there was no chance somebody would catch a glimpse of my hairy stomach. My forearms have a disgusting sheen thanks to all the thick black hair.
On multiple occasions I’ve been told “You have a hairy neck!” It’s so embarrassing. My neck is more hairy than any man I know. It’s as though hair shouldn’t grow there, but I’m sprouting a forest. My bikini line is horrible, it looks like I have a pair of permanent underpants made of hair, yuck! I can make a new razor blade blunt in just one sitting trying to scrape away the hair. I also have extremely long hairs growing from the backs of my thighs. It’s like I have feelers. My toes and fingers are also hairy, they’re like bristle brushes.
Thankfully I managed to scrap some cash together, and get my beard and mustache treated with laser hair removal. It has made a world of difference. It’s definitely not perfect, and I still have a beard – but it’s a lot more manageable now. When people talk to me, they look me in the eye, and aren’t talking to my beard anymore.
May 20th, 2011
Right now I’m trying to conceive naturally. Though I am taking pre-natal vitamins, folic acid and fish oil. The two doctors who work at the practice I visit have contradicting information. My primary believes I am fine and don’t have PCOS, and my secondary says I do, and that I should lose some weight to regulate my cycle.
The fact that I cycle every month makes my primary Dr happy. The only thing I want to know, is if I can ovulate on my own. I’m monitoring my cycle this month, so I can understand what’s going on. I hope I don’t need any medication, but I will give myself the next three to four months, to see if I can in fact O on my own.
Currently I am taking my BBT each morning, and using OPKs. I’ve noticed about two or three OPK tests have been close to the control line and I thought they could have been BFPs. But today I had my first true BFP, which makes the previous tests look like BFNs. I’m glad that I’ve seen a true BFP so now I know what to look for.
So far my BBT hasn’t shown any significant changes in my temp. Which means no O yet I guess. Here’s hoping the next few mornings yield some results! My temp has been very consistent ranging between 36.0 to 36.2. My CM hasn’t been very good this month, it seems like the Sahara dessert down there so that has me scratching my head in confusion.
I’m trying to make sure I breathe deep for a few minutes in the morning and at night, and taking the time to visualize a pregnancy, and a healthy bouncy baby. I also envision myself holding onto that baby, in hopes that it assists with getting PG.
Right now I’m extremely anxious about this months cycle. My partner and I wanted a summer baby for 2012, and this is our final month to get it (unless we have a prem, which neither of us want). So I think if nothing comes about after this month, then it’ll take a tiny wee bit of the pressure off.
Want to connect with me? My name is Nao on the SoulCysters Message Board.