Well, I guess every day I understand myself less and less and I can’t honestly say that the road to acceptance has been a breeze.

So, I guess I never really thought about PCOS, and I guess it’s entirely too selfish of me as a human being and a woman, but it was never something that I expected. I’m 21 yo now, and it’s not really like things are so bad, but I can never really have time to myself or my friends think i’ve died.

It started when I was 11 years old. I just got out of school and I went to the library with some of my friends. It was 2 weeks before my 12th birthday and there it was, my first class ticket to womanhood. Maybe it was weird, but I was excited to go home and share with my mother and older sister.

But it was never really fun again after that. So my period was heavy… still is heavy… really heavy. And I never thought anything of it, I just assumed everyone was heavy like this when they were “heavy”. But now, everytime i’m graced with the gift of being a woman i’m sickened by the thick, pungent smell of iron. It’s like a iron mill or slaughterhouse in me.

But I guess that was never the problem, at first. The problem was it never came, and when it did, it never left. My pediatrician said that’s just how it goes. Early stages of menstruation are irregular, so i accepted it and moved on.

But years passed and it was always the same case. It was 2 months since my last period, 4 months, 7 months. I was having one period a year… But then I was taking progesterone, and it helped. I can’t express how much of my adolescence was spent contemplating if maybe I wasn’t a woman. Maybe I’m a hermaphrodite, maybe this is normal for who i should be.

And it was hard. And I was sad. A lot. My period didn’t like me, maybe I was never meant for this life. And then on those rare months, it would grace me with its presence and it wouldn’t leave for months at a time.

and through it all, they never knew what was going on.

And so i dealt with it. It became more regular, it came every other month if i was lucky. And then one day in college I felt a sharp pain in my lower abdomen and I just ignored it.

And it persisted for a few days before intensifying, and finally i gave in and went to see someone about it. They said maybe it was stress, maybe they were right, they said maybe it was IBS, but no matter what it was, it got so bad I couldn’t stand up or lay down, let alone get to class. But just as it came, it went, and I never understood it.

So upon returning home for the summer, my doctor had me have an abdominal sonogram. And apparently everything was ok. not so clear, but normal.

And so I moved on. And then I found myself at the door of the best doctor I’ve ever had. And then I had an endocrinologist, and then I had answers. And I understood. So now, he’s worked wonders with the regularity of my periods. This month marks the first time in my life that i’ve had 6 consecutive periods each month. and im excited. And now the duration of my periods are down to one regular week! but the flow is still the niagra falls of menstruation. (too graphic… i know. sorry :/)

So now, I’m taking metformin to control the blood sugar. My chances of diabetes is incredibly high. I was about 100 pounds over weight for my height.

To date I’ve lost about 20 pounds, and I have been extremely naughty with my liquid diet regimen. I’ve got really bad allergies, my medical history is a chapter book. I take 3 shots biweekly along with my oral allergy medication and nasal spray (i’ve been perpetually congested my entire life), I ‘m taking asmanex and albuterol for my asthma, and a whole plethora of topical medications for my eczema.

Sometimes it gets so bad my body is swollen, itchy, dry, bleeding, and purple. I have a list too long of foods and environmental antigens that I’m allergic to.

And the culmination, the real icing on my cake, I have no prescription medical coverage, and I’m about to lose medical insurance all together. Which means no doctor’s visits, no endocrinologist, no asthma specialist, no obgyn, no dermatologist, no physical therapy, nothing really… and I can’t tell you how scared I am.

Because I just graduated from college. And I finished early so I was too young to apply on my own, aka not 21, and not in school so i couldn’t be covered by my parents. and all of a sudden I was on my own. And still struggling. And though I felt like I was on top of the world for finishing my studies, I felt like the very life I had built for myself was collapsing in on me.

Life now is so far from what I had anticipated. I’m supposed to be in medical school stressing over childhood goals for myself, but I’m not. I’ve lost motivation to study, and work is tiring, and i’m struggling to stay healthy without any medication until I finally get health coverage.

But in the end, though it is far from over, life has been an uphill battle. And though it has been hard, and it may very well get harder, I will be who I want to be, no matter what the cost. And even if in my struggle to get there I lose myself, I know that it is worth it because some day I will finally be who I want to be and who I was meant to be. And i will be happy.

I am my greatest battle.

Want to connect with me? My name is purplepan on the SoulCysters Message Board.