I’m 23 years old… Sometimes I can be bubbly and cheerful and sweet and cute and fun to be around. Sometimes I can be the happiest girl in the world. Sometimes I can be free, I can be relaxed, I can have the world available to me at a moment’s notice.
But.. sometimes.. I can’t.
I was 9 or 10 or so when I got my period.
I was 13 when I stopped getting it.
I went absolutely, positively insane. Emotional outbreaks. Horrible suicidal thoughts. An emotional wreck.
At 14, I was diagnosed with pcos.
For 4 years, I battled with needing to jump from one type of pill to another.. finally found the Nuva Ring.
For about 2 or so years, life was better. Life was easy. The Nuva Ring was my winner.
About 5 years ago, I had found SoulCysters as well.. posted here, read up on almost everything that was here. I followed these stories of strong woman overcoming the problems associated with pcos, followed their heartbreaks when pcos was winning the battle… and following their triumphs to stand up and try again. I felt so much stronger in the comfort of that.
And then it started to hurt using the nuva ring…
And instead of standing up and fighting harder… I stopped showing up to this forum… stopped consoling my friends… stopped wanting to see the doctor…
I was moved onto another form of birth control, to another… to another… to another.. with no luck at all. None.
And then I gave up.
I gave up the fight to keep things from getting worse.
I gave up the fight to get better.
I gave up caring about my health.
I gave up trying to prevent what I assumed was the inevitable.
Sure.. that bubbly, sweet girl is there sometimes.. and I try my hardest to keep her alive…
But each day that I wake up feeling miserable, hurting, sick, tired, hurting, hurting, I break down and hate myself.. hate the decisions I’ve made… hate that I gave up..
2 years ago, my health insurance ended… And those 2 years, I hadn’t been to the gyn… I had only been to the regular doctor once or twice for the flu and a severe sinus infection…
And now.. 23 years old, I’m miserable with myself.
Excess hair, I used to keep it under control and it never got terrible. But now… it’s out of control and coming up everywhere a girl does not want it to be. Welcome to the world of a 5 o’clock shadow… I see it every morning… I can feel the hair and the stubble even after I’ve just removed it… bleached/waxed/plucked/creamed/shaved. It’s there, all of the time.. taunting me… telling me that at some point.. I screwed up. I messed up. I found two roads diverged and took the wrong effin’ path.
Stomach pains were generally only once a month and associated with a period of some sort. Forget periods now, I have bleeding every so often, and that’s cool… a moment of relief that there’s something functioning… but it’s usually paired with a week or 2 of self-hate, screaming and crying fits, miserable thoughts.
Food allergies/sensitivities weren’t as severe back then.. and they’ve gotten worse now. And I keep thinking, is it me? Did I do this to myself? Are they worse because I ignored the pcos or are they worse because that’s just what happens? Salicylate sensitivity and lactose intolerance means I can’t enjoy the foods that are even good for me. Rashes on my face, sores on my tongue, stomach pain, diarrhea, cramping… a daily occurrence.
I hurt the people closest to me, and sometimes… I’m so selfish and filled with self-pity that I don’t even have the emotional power to give a dang until after the fact. I can’t even see what I’m doing sometimes… and sometimes, it’s like I’m just a passenger to my own roller coaster of emotions. I yell, I scream, I cry, I pout… and sometimes, freaking out on in the inside that I have absolutely no control over how I feel, what I say or how I react.
I want to react nicely, do the right thing, say the right things, help and comfort the people nearest and dearest to me… the people holding on the best they can to try and help me.
but I find myself doing the very opposite.. and hurting everything that I can in my way.
I hate going out in public… I loved the winter where I could hide myself in a scarf and zipped up jacket
I want to be better… but it’s hard.
It’s hard for me to face my demons, to make up for all the time I lost giving up… it’s hard to admit that I did this to myself… I shouldn’t have given up… I should have been strong enough.
Why wasn’t I strong enough? Why couldn’t I see how things were going to become?
What did I do to myself…?
Want to connect with me? My name is wewilllgo on the SoulCysters Message Board.