Life’s Not Going the Way It’s Supposed To. I’m Hurting–the RANT

First, if you don’t feel like listening to a “poor me” cry for help, close out the window now. I don’t know where else to go to vent…

so I’ve come to my cysters. I’m apologizing in advance for the length, but there is so much pain in my heart and I have no place left to go. Life just hasn’t gone the way I planned and now I’m completely confused about everything I’ve ever wanted.

I got engaged young, and tried desperately to have a baby with that person. I knew I had Poly Cycstic before that, and it was an inconvenience then, but when we started TTC it became a real issue. A good majority of my friends were becomming mothers and starting families and all I had was a reproductive system that wasn’t working and a man that wouldn’t commit to anything but porn. So I guess engaged really wasn’t the word for it.

We talked about it, he just never got around to really asking. All he ever wanted was a baby but I felt like he was cheating with his right hand and my computer. I dropped out of school to start a family with this kid (he was several years older than me, but I refuse to refer to him as a “man”).

I eventually left him (very long story there) and found another MAN to be with. We will be getting married this October and I am back at school to finish my degree and working FT+. Life is definetly not going according to plan. The bright side is that I think it’s going for the better, but there is so much I’m confused about now.

My friends who have become mothers constantly accuse me of doing things because “I don’t know what it’s like to have kids.” To further complicate things, one of my parenting friends (actually, my best friend since we were in diapers) has recently become friends with my ex because her son (for a whole 3 years of his life) looked at him as an “uncle.”

When I told her I was uncomfortable with the situation, she said I was selfish and how dare I ask her to myself in front of her child. Well, I guess that does sound like a selfish thing, since they were friends before I left him (for all of 3 years), but that relationship is really not what bothers me. I’m a spiritual woman, and I’ve tried to be forgiving. However, my ex got this new GF and she got pregnant 3 months after they got together.

They were very excited, although she was already on welfare with one child and he told her she didn’t need another when she started begging him to get her pregnant (and she mysteriously got pregnant “on birth control” shortly after that), because when he and I were TTC, the doctors thought he might have an issue of his own that was preventing him from getting me pregnant.

This girl had the balls to get all excited and call me up and have my best friend (yes, the same best friend) tell me that he was going to be a daddy and “wasn’t I excited for him?”. HECK NO I’M NOT EXCITED… why does his new GF need me to be excited for her? No, I felt like she was trying to throw it in my face. Well, regardless of how manipulative and rude the situation was, she gave him what he’s always wanted so he finally proposed to someone.

I’m glad he finally found something worth fighting for and worth commiting too, I just feel like it’s for the wrong reasons. It’s really none of my business anymore (besides the fact that I put my current relationship in danger by trying to stay friends with this kid because he was so psychotically depressed after I left him–until he found this new girl–actually not even then, it wasn’t until she got pregnant) so I’ve let that go and I’ve kept the Lord in my life but I don’t even know what to pray for anymore.

I don’t want to be like those girls who are so rude and nasty to people, my so-called “friends” that have started a sort of “parent’s coalition” that I’m obviously not allowed to be a part of. I’m seeing a therapist but it’s just not helping.

I thought I wanted a family, I thought I wanted to be a nurse, I thought I wanted to do or be a lot of things and I have no idea anymore. I’ve always been skilled at being able to step back and look at the situation holistically, but I can’t do it this time. I found out this week that my best friend has become friends with my ex’s new girlfriend since we were fighting about her visiting with my ex and his new fiance and their two children. She said I wouldn’t understand, it’s for the children and how would I know what that’s like…

She claims she left her relationship with my ex for me and that was selfish of me. In reality, this girl insulted me on myspace and blogged for the whole world to see about my fertility problems and how I was a “cry baby” over not being able to have a baby and that I was causing problems and giving her a complicated pregnancy because I was jealous of what she was carrying (my ex’s baby).

So my “friend” came back and told me about it, but she asked me not to say anything because my ex’s GF would know that my friend was the one that told me. But after I read all the hurtful and uncouth things she aired out about me for the world to read, I couldn’t hold my tongue. That information was not for her to share. Neither she nor the rest of the world needed to hear about my infertility issues and my medical history. So my ex and his GF told her to get out of their life, she didn’t leave them.

But since she and I are not getting along, this friend of mine of 20+ years is having lunch with this girl, hanging out at their house, and they’re car pooling together, something she and I did back and forth to school last semester. So maybe I don’t understand because I’m not a mother, my “friend” and our other friend seem to think so (she’s a mother of 3). BUT IT DOESN’T MEAN YOU HAVE TO HAVE LUNCH WITH THE GIRL… WITHOUT EVEN HAVING YOUR CHILDREN THERE!!! I SERIOUSLY DOUBT ALL YOUR TALKING ABOUT IT YOUR CHILDREN!!!

And since they’ve been friends, my “friend” and my ex’s fiance, I found out my ex and his fiance are supposed to be getting married this year too… October 9th, 2010… it wouldn’t bother me, except for the fact that… IT’S THE DAY BEFORE MY WEDDING, that my fiance and I have had set for 2 years!!!! Sorry about that… I’ve got a lot of pent up hurt and anger.

Our other friend is angry with me too now because I told her I didn’t want to talk to her about the situation. Not that I was mad at her, but since neither of them have been in my shoes, they couldn’t possibly understand. She’s lacking integrity and I can’t stand to listen to her “I’m sorry you feel that way sweetie, but you know I won’t take sides, I understand where you’re both coming from.” Well, there’s absolutely NO INTEGRITY in that.

So, on a very personal note, the day I discovered them having lunch and riding together, I wanted to kill myself. I still sort of do. I don’t want to talk to anyone about it, but I needed to say it. If it weren’t for my very loving and caring fiance, I would have hung myself. He knows me better than I know myself and said he could read on my face what I was thinking and refused to leave me alone. I don’t want to hurt him, but I feel torn apart inside.

Like everything is shattered and falling down around me. It’s not like I don’t have anything to live for, I know that I do. I have other friends, not my two best friends who were supposed to be a part of my wedding, my MOH, and now it’s looking like they’re going to be a part of my ex’s wedding the day before my wedding, instead. I have good things going for me. It’s just not what I planned for and I haven’t adjusted very well to it.

I almost feel like I would rather be miserable and stuck with what I wanted rather than be “happy” with what I didn’t plan for. It’s not like I don’t enjoy the things in my life, I really do… but with all this other mess going on in my life, it’s such a drastic mood swing, it’s tearing me apart. Please, I don’t need motherly advise…

I probably would benefit from the advise of a man… someone to be blantently honest and truthful with me, someone to slap me around with the things I don’t want to hear. But I’m not sure that’s what I can handle right now. I really think that right now I’m just looking for some validation.

Someone to tell me they do understand, I’m not crazy, I have reason to be upset. Someone for mental and moral support. I’ve been praying to God to grant me… something… but like I said, I don’t even know what I’m looking for anymore. If you’ve gotten this far… you’re a saint. Thank you for taking the time to hear me. God Bless you.

Want to connect with me? My name is Reesha86 on the SoulCysters Message Board.

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