I’m 44.

It has taken most of my adult life to get someone to listen to me that something wasn’t right with me. I would go through bouts of depression ( that I can reconize now ) where I would do self destructive things to harm myself not KILL myself for I have a fear of dying. I guess trying to get anyone attention, but I was so closed off to everyone who would have notice. You name it drugs, booze, mixing both.

Then I would have this long period of pulling myself together. I stopped all of the self destruction. Then just turn to just beating myself esteem down and not completing anything I started. This was triggered in me with my dad dying when I was just 21. He was My best friend and biggest support in me becoming an artist. That left me with my Mother. We never got along until her last 10 years of her life.

We started to have a relationship. She just died Oct 2 2000, Pancreatic cancer. We found out in July and she was dead in Oct. Needless to say I was more mature to realize that I need help and so I got some professional help when she was diagnos.

I’m still going, with her help I’ve been able to deal with her and my father death finally and with my self destruction. I’ve had to learn to actually learn to have the feelings and get them out instead of burying them or covering them up. I ‘ve also taken charge of my health care and have gone from doctor to doctor until I found someone to listen to me and run some test.

I was angry to realize that with them blowing me off that they all those years ruined my chance of children, but I know that I must move on from this now. I have 3 stepchildren and I can wait for grandchildren. I’ve also gone back to college to finish my degree in SPACIAL ARTS (sculpture and ceramics ).

I know it will take me about 3 years part time, but that is alright time is on my side. I am jurior again, should be a senior, but I guess when you sit out for 13 years classes are going to chance and no longer count…lol… I feel as long that my life is on the right track and my Dad is watching me and is finally happy to see that I pulled myself back together.

The worst of all of this is when you don’t except that someone has died and say that in your mind they went golfing for 21 years and you have pictured them all over the world and you know in your heart that someday that he will walk throught that front door and say Daddy’s home whats for dinner and have 6 kids run into his arms every night. Would you want to let go???? So image having to dealing with loosing your mother with which you feel you weren’t given enough time with since you were just getting along and you have your past come braking threw like water braking through a dam.

I have been diagnos with HYPGYLCEMIA, PCOS, HYPOTHYROIDISM AND MY THYROID IS SWOLLEN. DIAG:5/30/02 over the phone haven’t seen the doctor since see the doctor again July 29, 2002 I’ll find out more then Rose

Want to connect with me? My name is icsurreal on the SoulCysters Message Board.