I always kinda knew something was wrong with me. When I was as young as 10 or 11 I was already growing “side burns”. They weren’t noticeable to anybody but me until I was about 12-13 years old. I just kept my hair longer so I could hide it, but those closer to me noticed it and sometimes my friends would tease me about it.

By the time I was 14, I’d grown a very noticeable beard. I went to an OBGYN when I was 15, but she only prescribed me birth control pills, which embarrassed me a lot back then. I took the pills until I was 18, but I’d given up hope they’d make the hair on my face less noticeable, so I began to shave. I now have to shave every single day. I have long, thick hair everywhere. I feel like a big fat gorilla…

I went back on the pill again after my period disappeared for close to a year. I don’t remember how long I took it after that. But after I went off it again, I stayed fairly regular. In fact, I remained pretty regular up to June of 2008 when I suddenly stopped again. I didn’t resume any kind of cycle anymore until September 2009. I had one every month until December.

Then I had a strange period in January that lasted only a few hours. Then nothing in February. I’ve spent a month not knowing if I’m pregnant or not. Now I’m spotting brown blood and am scared and confused. Am I pregnant and it’s normal? Am I pregnant and about to miscarry? Was I never pregnant and am just experiencing another crazy messed up cycle? I don’t know!

Once, early in my marriage, I think that I may have miscarried. I really want to start seriously trying for a baby, but remembering that and knowing what I do about PCOS has me really paranoid.

I’ve been in denial my whole life because I’d always been told I could either not have kids or it would be very hard for me to have kids. After this whole situation with possibly being pregnant this last month, I’ve had to come to terms with the fact I’ve been lying to myself. I DO want a baby of my own.

I’ll be seeing an OBGYN that specializes in fertility in about a week. I’m really anxious, because I still could be pregnant. Even if I’m not, I’m excited to start getting myself into proper shape so I can really get serious about trying!

Want to connect with me? My name is Catnip on the SoulCysters Message Board.