Hi, I’m new.
So, I just wanted to write today about
HOW MUCH THIS SUCKS.
Ugh. I have been picked on and ridiculed and teased all my life about being fat. So much so that, now, I can’t get those crappy thoughts OUT of my head. Even now, with the doctor telling me that this weight is
NOT MY FAULT
I still can’t get over it.And I’m extremely frustrated.Because all I’ve been reading from everyone with PCOS (of which I literally only know ONE other girl in person besides me that has it) is how hard it is to lose the weight, how EASY it is to gain it back and then some, how they exercise for hours a day, everyday, walk eight miles a day, take all these different medicines and remedies and STILL it’s a CONSTANT battle to not have curves on curves on curves.
And I don’t want that to be me. >__<
I don’t want to have people look at me and think about how I look like I need to lose weight. I don’t want to have to look them in the eye and try to tell them, “This isn’t my fault.”You know how many people believe that? That my extreme weight “isn’t my fault”?Like, maybe one or two other people.My boyfriend, and the girl that has it.I’m not saying my other friends don’t believe me…
I just don’t think they realize just how SERIOUS I am.Ugh.And it’s just one stupid thing after the other.I failed classes in college and got suspended because I was always sick and tired. ALWAYS.
And so .miserably. depressed that sometimes I just wanted to get up and start walking in one direction and just not ever stop. I didn’t care where I went.Sometimes I still feel it. For no reason.I had people thinking it was just because I was lazy.But the doctor last year told me it was because I have hypothyroidism.People with it are ill a lot, have no energy, get depressed a lot, cold easily, etc.
And I was put on medicine.I hoped that would be the end of it.But my mood didn’t improve too terribly much, my weight didn’t change, and yeah.I thought that maybe it was just me at that point. That I wasn’t trying hard enough to be more normal.But I finally saw a doctor again to get my thyroid levels checked out again and it turned out that I ALSO have PCOS. In conjunction with stupid thyroid problems.-__-My body is sabotaging itself.I swear.But they haven’t put me on any meds for it yet. :\For now, I just have to deal with it and try to do my best to fix it.Exercise everyday.Eat like a diabetic rabbit.Avoid carbs mostly.Can’t eat sugar, ’cause my body doesn’t break it down.There’s just too much crap.
And my mood keeps yo-yoing.Yesterday I cried all day.Today, I’m not crying.But I feel dead.
Like, blank.
Like, “What am I going to do? What CAN I do?”
I hate this.I really freaking hate this.I don’t want to have to sit here and think that I’m not doing enough. That I might develop cancer. Or anything.I just want to have a normal, functioning body.
Uuuuuugggghhh.
Want to connect with me? My name is NAME on the SoulCysters Message Board.