My story has been ten years in the making. At 21 I have lived through a lifetime of drama worthy of Days of Our Lives.
It all started at age 12. I was bawling in the bathroom on the floor. Last month I had had my first period. It wasn’t the settle experience where your mother quietly slips you into a bathroom to give you a pad and explain what to do. Instead I was doing what every 12 year old does around a cute guy while wearing a pretty sun dress and flirting…until he told me I was bleeding and offered to call 911.
I then proceed to beg his little sister, then 8, to call my mother on her mother’s cell phone. I then cry into the phone about getting my first period and having no idea what to do…only to find out my mother’s best friend had answered and proceeded to tell everyone in the car, including my grandmother, of my joyous event into womanhood. If that wasn’t enough when my next period was due to come I was ready with mutiple bags of pads and a slew of hidden tampons.
Except nothing happened.
I was terrified that somehow I was pregnant. No, I didn’t do nor did I know what sex really was but I knew that’s what happened when you didn’t get your period. What would I tell my mother?
“You’re not pregnant.” She said in exasperation as she threw a huge college book on my lap. “You have PCOS so read about it.” That was it. No family history, no comfort for my confused terror, nothing. Just a huge book with more complicated words for a uterine lining than I can still comprehend. I would not understand then nor when I was told I needed help with my irregular periods.
My first OBGYN was nice but uninformative. After briefly telling me about weight gain, acne and facial hair, she told me I couldn’t do a thing about it. As she wrote my perscription she gave me a “don’t worry till you want to get pregnant and take these birth control pills.”
I hated the pill. I dreaded taking it so much that thinking about taking it made me gag. It made me feel out of control. Between the crying and the cramps that it didn’t help I was a wreck for one week a month. When I decided to stop taking the pill I met my future husband. Well at 16 in smalltown midwest there isn’t much to do. So by six months of dating we began the tradition of buy a pregnancy test every month and pray I don’t get pregnant. I still didn’t get pregnant after three years of unprotected sex. Again my OBGYN wasn’t helpful.
“well you’re only 18 so don’t worry yet.” Not the answer I wanted. We wanted to get married and have me pregnant by 21. Thank god we moved for his college and I met my current OBGYN. He was very well informed and clinically diagnosed me with PCOS. He gave me comfort when none could. He also helped explain PCOS heredity since my two younger sisters now have it as well.
So last April we began the metformin treatment. Again, I don’t know why but these pills make me ill to take them. Not only that but is it just me or does metformin taste and smell like something very foul? But for pregnancy even a 21 year old can stomach anything. By October nothing happened. We added Clomid onto the chemical cocktail for the next six months. Other than the 10 cm cysts I would get monthly from the clomid nothing out of the ordinary happened. Now I am at a fork in the road.
How at 21 can you comprehend the fact that you might never have a child? That you have almost 20 years of child bearing abilities…only to be shot down within the first three? It pains me every month to look into my husband’s face and, almost in shame, tell him that I yet again could not give him what he desires more than anything else. I know he would never leave me for anything but I can’t help but wonder if he resents me for my problems. He seems very optimistic in saying that money isn’t an issue and that whatever we have to do we will do it.
Unfortunately until he’s finished with his law schooling that’s put on hold and our dreams of a family have been stored away in a box on a shelf to get dusty. It consumes me everyday that I have this problem. I’ve bought over 30 books scrounging for answers. Anything that hints and PCOS I immediately pull my billfold out for. Any website telling me they have the cure I will put on my credit card to try but to no advail. I pray daily on my knees begging God for the answer…and nothing.
Until I went online today.
I was looking up PCOS because I thought maybe someone had a similar case to mine and had the answers I was searching for. I had been stressing out all day yesterday because once again T.O.M. dropped by and my husband and I ran figures for in vitro and adoption and were desperate to find ways to finance them. So I thought maybe someone else had done all this and had some answers. I stumbled across a womans’ story about her triumph over PCOS. It had nothing to do with pills, blood work, ultra sounds, doctors, books, nothing…but with God.
She explained how she had read in the bible words of comfort. She began to see the message that God was trying to tell her about His glory. Then someone told her one day at a prayer meeting ‘It’s not about what you do. It’s about what you believe Jesus had done.’ This woman’s penny drop was my light bulb in my head. Jesus had died for me as well. For my healing he suffered so that I will one day have my children.
It wasn’t really that the doctors weren’t listening. It wasn’t that my husband wasn’t listening. It wasn’t even that the books, websites, videos, or anything I could grab wasn’t listening…it was me.
I was so set in my ways that I was going to have this baby on my time and damnit no one was going to stop me! Except God doesn’t go on my time…He goes on His. He wanted me to stop and listen because He was trying to tell me “Beth I’ll take care of you…trust Me.” I was bawling when I listened to her story again. I think this was my answer.
I write this because you may not believe in God…but you should listen to what you’re body is really trying to say sometimes. Some womens’ bodies are saying ‘”HALT! YOU HAVE OTHER THINGS GOING ON AND I’M NOT READY FOR THIS NOR ARE YOU!” Others might be saying, “No, I can’t give you a baby…but there is a baby out there waiting for you to take them home. Just because they don’t come from your body doesn’t mean they aren’t yours.” I think others are also saying, “Yes, you have PCOS. Yes, it is a challenge for both of us. The hair, the weight, the cravings, all of it…but it makes you stronger! You’ve got the will to fight and beat it! What doesn’t kill you WILL make you stronger!”
Listen…someone is telling you something…
Want to connect with me? My name is elisa21 on the SoulCysters Message Board.
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